Flood or Famine

Soooo busy, both at work and at home. Work is everything from six projects sitting on my desk to the minutes I have to take at today’s board meeting. I have a feeling I’m behind on some of the projects, but there’s so many of them, it’s hard to keep track. Ngh. Just have to keep plugging away at whatever’s in front of me until the battlefield is cleared.

Second writing class tonight, and I signed up to submit a story for critique. Unfortunately, that didn’t impel me to write, so now I have to come up with something between when the board meeting ends and my class begins. I do have a backup story, but dammit, I feel like I’m wasting the money I spent on the course if it’s not driving me to write new things. And if I use a backup once, it’ll be easier to blow off the assignment next time. I’m just feeling pretty down about that, and about myself as a writer. I’ve tried working on a few stories, but nothing’s coming out right.

Most of my writing energy has been going into the application for Yeshivat Hadar, an intensive summer Talmud study. My parents offered to take a look at what I’d written, help me polish it. In one place they ask for a page-long summary of your spiritual life to date, something I’ve never really articulated before. Tateh just stopped on that a while; I think he got a bit choked up. I’d never realized how hard it would be to write about my experience of Judaism; it was intensely personal, and it was hard to know what to put in and what to leave out to make a clear picture. I ended up leaving out a lot of things that felt really important to me, and the whole time, I was balanced on a knifepoint between what felt true to me and how it would be read by these people who know me and know my parents. But it ended up being a very powerful writing experience for me.

After a year of feeling dead in the water, I now have too much going on. I’m trying really hard to stay open to it all, to keep putting in energy. And hopefully, it will bear fruit.

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